My Yearly Battle (Part 2)

Almost exactly two years ago (Oct. 14, 2013 to be exact), I opened up about my struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It was very hard to open up about it then and is still a topic that I don't discuss often because it is a weakness and an imperfection and, let's be honest, who really wants to talk about how weak and imperfect they are all the time.

The last time I wrote about this was two years ago when, after a complicated year, the symptoms came on much earlier than previously experienced. To bring you up to speed, later that winter, I had a dear friend who lovingly pressured me (aka. gave me a ride and sat with me) into seeking professional help. The professional confirmed everything that I already knew and gave me a graduated diagnosis.

My SAD was progressive. Simply put, my depression doesn't totally go away during the spring and summer months anymore. It is muted during this period but still finds a way to surge to its full strength again when the seasons change and the weather gets colder.

This past weekend was filled with a number of social activities from parades, to football games, to choir concerts, to game nights. I was active and around people but still I could feel a change happening. Sitting in a missionary fireside, I began to feel aches in random places in my body. I knew exactly what that meant. It was starting again and I had a choice to make.

I could let it consume me or I could be proactive and try to fight it.

Of course I am going to fight it. Monday morning I woke up, showered, and went on a nice walk through the park to get that all-important vitamin-D from the sun. Trying to feel the sun on my face came to no avail as I all I felt was the dampness of tears, uninvited and for no real reason. I guess I forgot that choosing to fight is often a losing battle when it comes to mental illness. So I continue every day to face that same dilemma: fight and maybe win or be consumed and accept the momentary defeat giving thanks to God that I am still alive and breathing.

Since my super social weekend, I have spent 32 of the last 36 hours in my bedroom. The good news is that those 32 hours are behind me. They are the past. I still have now. I still have the future. I know that this is a downer of a post but here comes the good part.

I am a fighter.

I may not always win, especially if the cards are stacked against me, but I will never give up. The gospel of Jesus Christ promises that when men and women obey the commandments and live with faith, they will find happiness. I don't know if I will find that happiness in any winter, or even in this life, but I do know that God has promised it and my faith is in the truth of God's words. The atonement of Jesus Christ is real and powerful. I am currently seeking its power to overcome this yearly battle. I know God grants blessings to those who are diligent and penitent; and who will petition Him for help.

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