Emotions and Self-Worth
So this post is divided into two parts based on some major thought processes that I have had these past couple of days. I feel like there should be some sort of relation between the two but I don't want to make them related and try to force causation. In any case, the first regards the issues stated in my previous blog post about SAD and the second concerns a concept that revisited me with great force during my church today.
#1 Emotions
Writing about my Seasonal Affective Disorder has been such a huge blessing for me as an individual. In doing so, I was able to just let it all out. It was a needed release. Since that point, I have been making more of an effort to remain in control of my life and my feelings. I have never tried this hard before, but I guess that it a good thing. Maybe I am finally progressing.
Well, I have learned something: It is hard to be totally in control.
I say this because of an experience yesterday. Waking up I felt confused about a lot of different things and my emotions were on edge. Trying to keep them under control, I suppressed them and simply went to my computer to try to just dull my entire existence. I don't remember what was said, I think it had to do with what to eat for lunch. Something so simple. Then I lashed out. The anger that I had been trying to hide. The disappointment I discouraged. The sadness that I struggled with. It all came out. All at once. There was no reason for it. A simple conversation turned into a self-victimizing exercise.
Completely un-called for.
After this happened a couple of times throughout the day, I forced myself to stop and think. The conclusion that I came to was that emotions are good. Even the negative ones have their times and places. I don't know if this is only me or because of my struggles but holding in my emotions did not help. All that happened was an undesired build-up resulting in me disrespecting some of the people that I am the closest with. I need to let my emotions run their path while not letting them completely overtake my body and soul.
#2 Self-Worth
Okay, so now that I am thinking about it as a sequential thought process, I guess there is a definite link between the previous thought and this one. Sitting in my bed last night, unable to sleep, I kept thinking of how awful I felt because of how rude I had been to my friends. I had apologized and they (being the amazing people that they are) forgave me instantly, but I was still ashamed of my words and actions. I then decided that I either needed to take a monk-like vow of silence or to simply attempt to refrain from speaking rudely or sarcastically.
Because of my incessant need to speak, I chose the latter.
This morning I remained soft-spoken and calm as I prepared for Sunday Worship meetings. I was validated in my choice by a feeling of peace that ushered me through the morning. As I sat in Sunday School, the teacher directed the class to a couple of verses of scripture in Doctrine & Covenants Section 138. Though that particular section, and consequentially the lesson, was on temple work and the post-mortal need for ordinances and knowledge, my mind was drawn toward thoughts of the pre-mortal realm.
One of the main distinguishing and unique doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that all humans lived prior to this life, without a physical body, but with God our Eternal Father.
As the section in the Doctrine & Covenants spoke of "choice spirits", I recalled a couple of verses of scriptures in the Book of Abraham where God showed Abraham the pre-mortal kingdom and called all that were there "noble and great ones".
I am noble. I am great. I was there. All humans were; that is our heritage.
After Sunday School, I attended a fantastic Priesthood lesson that focused on exactly that. Or at least that is what I got out of it. The lesson centered on how important each individual is to Heavenly Father and to His church. It was an invitation to me (and to all) to "Join with Christ" in being and sharing happiness.
I have a role in life. It is to be happy. It is to share happiness. It is to share Christ.
#1 Emotions
Writing about my Seasonal Affective Disorder has been such a huge blessing for me as an individual. In doing so, I was able to just let it all out. It was a needed release. Since that point, I have been making more of an effort to remain in control of my life and my feelings. I have never tried this hard before, but I guess that it a good thing. Maybe I am finally progressing.
Well, I have learned something: It is hard to be totally in control.
I say this because of an experience yesterday. Waking up I felt confused about a lot of different things and my emotions were on edge. Trying to keep them under control, I suppressed them and simply went to my computer to try to just dull my entire existence. I don't remember what was said, I think it had to do with what to eat for lunch. Something so simple. Then I lashed out. The anger that I had been trying to hide. The disappointment I discouraged. The sadness that I struggled with. It all came out. All at once. There was no reason for it. A simple conversation turned into a self-victimizing exercise.
Completely un-called for.
After this happened a couple of times throughout the day, I forced myself to stop and think. The conclusion that I came to was that emotions are good. Even the negative ones have their times and places. I don't know if this is only me or because of my struggles but holding in my emotions did not help. All that happened was an undesired build-up resulting in me disrespecting some of the people that I am the closest with. I need to let my emotions run their path while not letting them completely overtake my body and soul.
#2 Self-Worth
Okay, so now that I am thinking about it as a sequential thought process, I guess there is a definite link between the previous thought and this one. Sitting in my bed last night, unable to sleep, I kept thinking of how awful I felt because of how rude I had been to my friends. I had apologized and they (being the amazing people that they are) forgave me instantly, but I was still ashamed of my words and actions. I then decided that I either needed to take a monk-like vow of silence or to simply attempt to refrain from speaking rudely or sarcastically.
Because of my incessant need to speak, I chose the latter.
This morning I remained soft-spoken and calm as I prepared for Sunday Worship meetings. I was validated in my choice by a feeling of peace that ushered me through the morning. As I sat in Sunday School, the teacher directed the class to a couple of verses of scripture in Doctrine & Covenants Section 138. Though that particular section, and consequentially the lesson, was on temple work and the post-mortal need for ordinances and knowledge, my mind was drawn toward thoughts of the pre-mortal realm.
One of the main distinguishing and unique doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that all humans lived prior to this life, without a physical body, but with God our Eternal Father.
As the section in the Doctrine & Covenants spoke of "choice spirits", I recalled a couple of verses of scriptures in the Book of Abraham where God showed Abraham the pre-mortal kingdom and called all that were there "noble and great ones".
I am noble. I am great. I was there. All humans were; that is our heritage.
After Sunday School, I attended a fantastic Priesthood lesson that focused on exactly that. Or at least that is what I got out of it. The lesson centered on how important each individual is to Heavenly Father and to His church. It was an invitation to me (and to all) to "Join with Christ" in being and sharing happiness.
I have a role in life. It is to be happy. It is to share happiness. It is to share Christ.
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